


If you don't love me, let me go

by straeon



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, M/M, disaster week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-13 02:57:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4505064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straeon/pseuds/straeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert decides who he wants in disaster week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Destruction

“What do _you_ want?” Aaron spat at Robert.

“Just to talk,” came Robert’s whispered reply, so soft and quiet he nearly wouldn’t have heard him, yet there was a quiet confidence about him that got Aaron’s attention, as much as he would’ve preferred to stay away from him. For the good of everyone.

“Really?” Aaron asked, deciding to challenge him. “Sure this isn’t to finish me off, while everyone’s at the wedding, or fair or whatever? Get yer petty revenge?”

“Don’t,” Robert shook his head, looking tiredly done with these reminders from Aaron of what he’d done. This wasn’t who he was. Robert told himself that always, if he didn’t just block out what had happened altogether. They were just accidents, mistakes. Just because there were stupid things he’d done, that didn’t mean that’s who he was.

“Still having trouble hearing the truth then? Cuz don’t expect me to comfort you,” Aaron hissed at him, stepping closer to him, knowing what he was, but knowing what he couldn’t do as well. “Ya can’t run away from your problems, your other life when it isn’t going how you want it any more. This is all you have now. Which is … well, nothing. And that’s down to you. All of it.”

“Stop it,” Robert shouted, his calm exterior gone so suddenly that Aaron nearly jumped back, but he didn’t. Then Robert grabbed the front of his hoody, stared into his eyes, and seeing the hatred and anger that was still there, he let go, letting him fall back against the sofa with the force that he pulled away from Robert as he let go.

“You destroyed everything,” Aaron continued, despite all the warnings to stay away from him, from all sides. Robert needed to be told the truth, be forced to see it, and be responsible for everything he’d done. “You did.”

“I know, okay?!” Robert shouted at him, emotion filling his eyes and frustration in how he grabbed his hair, turned away from Aaron then turned back. “Don’t you think everyone else is telling me that? I did things I shouldn’t have, clearly.”

“You make it sound like you forgot your anniversary,” Aaron said with a humourless laugh. “That isn’t a mistake, Rob,” he continued mockingly. “You made these decisions, to be this person - you let that happen.”

“No, I didn’t,” Robert denied, profusely, still. “You don’t get it.”

“You don’t get it,” Aaron said unsympathetically. “You need to face up to what you’ve done. Don’t come crying to me about it. That people see you for who you are and want you to pay for it. That’s the _least_ you deserve.”

“Yeah? Being hated by everyone, because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut? I deserve that, do I?” Robert asked, returning the hatred in his eyes back to his former lover.

“I could’ve told them a lot more,” Aaron said. “Imagine if they knew about Katie.”

“Shut up,” Robert hissed at him, stepping back against him. 

“Still scared someone’s gonna hear us together? Maybe you should just stay away from me then,” Aaron told him, smug in his inability to be scared of Robert now. 

“Well, you’ve been avoiding me enough,” Robert said more quietly, remembering no one was around to hear him, at least.

“I wonder why,” Aaron said with that same harsh laugh that went right through Robert. “I think I remember a bottle, a radiator -”

“I didn’t mean any of that,” Robert insisted, pleading with Aaron with the emotion in his eyes to him.

“But you did it,” Aaron said. “That’s you. That’s who you are. And I don’t want any part of it any more.”

As Aaron walked away from Robert again, he didn’t go after him but dropped down onto the sofa, wallowing in how messed up everything was for him, as he’d been doing so much lately when he wasn’t in denial about it.

And he knew that maybe Aaron was right about everything, but he didn’t want him to be. He didn’t want him to see him for that.

“Fine,” he said, catching up with Aaron. “This - this wasn’t a mistake.”

“What?” Aaron shook his head at him.

“This,” Robert said, hesitating for just a second. “Us.”

“It was for me,” Aaron said simply. 

“No, it wasn’t,” Robert insisted, still following him. “I know that’s what I said. I know that’s - what I am. I say or do anything to get away with - with things I’ve done. I just didn’t want to lose everything, and do you blame me?”

“I do for thinking I care about any of this,” Aaron said, sighing against the corridor wall, knowing he had to listen anyway, that maybe they had to have this conversation. Or if they didn’t, Robert might follow him until he gave up, get him alone another time.

“I know you still care,” Robert replied desperately. “Otherwise, why did you do what you did? Why not just step away and - and leave me, and this, entirely?”

“To see you get what you deserve,” Aaron told him with a shrug. “And it was worth it. And now I’m done. I don’t have any reason to care any more.”

“But I know that’s not all you,” Robert continued to push him. “It’s Paddy, isn’t it?”

“Don’t even say his name,” Aaron pushed Robert back. “I swear to Christ, if you even look at him after what you’ve done to him - to us.”

“I’m not going to,” Robert shook his head at him, furrowing his brow confusedly at Aaron again at how he could keep expecting the worst of him. “Why would I?”

“Oh, yeah, you only kill people to hide your dirty secrets,” Aaron turned away from him disbelievingly. 

“You know I never would have-”

“Robert,” Aaron interrupted harshly. “I’m not going to shake your hand for not killing people. What you did to me - it isn’t - I’m just not gonna forget that. Your idea of love is sick and twisted and I want no part of that - ever again.”

“I know, I messed up,” Robert pleaded, not listening to the meaning of his words - not wanting to hear it. “But look, you got me back for it, and I - I can forget that, to be with you.”

“Why?” Aaron couldn’t help but ask.

“‘Cause I miss you,” Robert answered, as if it was obvious.

“Really?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah,” Robert answered with a smile. “I’ve lost… so much. But - you I can’t just let go of. You’re always, always in my mind, in my thoughts, and I just… I know I’ve been lying to everyone. The more I say that this was a mistake, the more I know how much it isn’t. The way everyone wants to know _why_. When that is so simple to us both, isn’t it? We fell in love. How could we fight that? Why should we?”

For a moment, Aaron nodded silently, watching Robert’s realisation - while a part of him still wondered if it wasn’t bullshit to try and get back at Aaron somehow. But less so. But he always would wonder, he was sure, just to keep himself safe from the immense disappointments Robert could deliver.

“That’s funny,” Aaron said quietly. “Because being rid of you, to me, just feels like a huge weight off my shoulder. I should’ve told Chrissie ages ago. I should’ve seen you for what you really are-”

“Don’t,” Robert shook his head, not wanting to hear it still. “You knew who I was, you always knew, you said that.”

“I was wrong,” Aaron said, his sadness making its way into his voice, that secret part of him that mourned for what could have been, once. “I was so wrong.”

“You weren’t! You’re the only one who’s seen me for what I really am, I see that now,” Robert continued to plead with him, pathetically now.

“And the more I know about you, the real you, the more I hate you,” Aaron said, turning away from the sight of him, hiding his reluctant tears. “So what does that tell you?”

“Fine,” Robert said after a long silence where Aaron wondered what his next move would be. “Fine, you tell yourself that. But you always knew what I was capable of. You saw that and you understood it because you made mistakes too - mine were so much worse, I know that. But you understood that you could come back from that, and I know a part of you still understands that.”

“Maybe,” Aaron admitted quietly as Robert was about to leave. “Maybe you’re not a lost cause. Maybe… But that doesn’t mean anyone’s going to give you more chances, and we shouldn’t. Maybe if you show 'em you deserve it but… I’m not giving you another chance.”

Robert had nothing to say to that. He already knew that, deep down; he’d seen how Aaron looked at him, how he hated him for what he’d done and then was simply… releasing him and anything he ever felt for him. Washing his hands of the affair and of him. While Robert could only watch the match being struck and dropped onto his world, watch the flames and destruction spread until he was here, on his knees, trying to salvage something from the black ashes. 

A part of him also knew that this was always coming and that it came from him, someone he’d loved and who’d loved him. That was his own doing as much as it was Aaron’s choice to make him face up to the consequences - of _his_ actions. Undeniably, possibly inevitably, he was facing up to what he had done, even if he was being forced to.

While Aaron also realised that maybe that was part of his motivation. Not just to let Robert go, not at all, but to hope he would see what he’d become and all the people he hurt. If he could feel remorse, then maybe, just maybe, he could come back from the edge. 

But not for _them_ and not for Aaron, not any more, but because he couldn’t just watch him destroy himself and take more people down with him. Including himself and people he loved. 

___But still, Aaron was left now wondering how much he’d always seen what Robert was and how much he still loved him, if he had loved him then; until it had got so close to home, it was no longer worth the risks. Risks that he’d known were there for a while from being from him, no it didn’t start as playing with fire, just flicking his finger over a lighter flame, but when more and more people got hurt from this, including himself… yet he didn’t stop it until he could no longer deny the risks, after they’re already been realised when people had long been hurt._ _ _

___Sometimes, when he let his poisonous thoughts get to him, he wondered if it was their relationship itself that hurt people, like some entity with its own destructive mind. He even wondered if it was still him, still getting people who were close to him hurt, and maybe he still needed to see that he had changed, truly. (Which would not be with someone who threw that back in his face, accused him of getting people hurt and killed, and even then Aaron took it?)_ _ _

___There were no quick fixes though, not for him, not for Robert, and not for their relationship that lay in ruins of their own making at their feet. Ruins can’t ever be made into anything but ruins, Aaron knew that, but Robert’s denial, his ability to see whatever he wanted to see, to believe what he wanted to believe, reached further than Aaron could’ve even expected. He would put everything back how it was, but only reversing time could achieve that, which Aaron knew was impossible, especially for them, especially from the lines Robert had crossed time and again._ _ _

___Something new could be found from those ruins, butwhat that would be Aaron didn’t know. He didn’t know what he wanted to find. All he was searched for now was to move on from the worst of it, to get away from the traumatic blows that caused the ruination, while Robert, as always, pulled him back to what they had once had._ _ _

___Even if he didn’t intend to. Just seeing him, he saw in front of his eyes everything he’d loved, in a person he so hated. A disgustingly selfish man who sometimes could drop everything and devote his whole attention to him, to physically worship him in ways Aaron had never before experienced. A coward who risked everything for the thrill of it (but not to be with him - he couldn’t let himself see their relationship through that romanticized gaze any more). Hands that had slammed a bottle to his skull, tied him up, shakingly held a gun to him, that had previously brought him unimaginable pleasures and intimate caresses. A mouth that spat poison then tried to kiss it better - without understanding that scars can’t ever be kissed away._ _ _

___But the ghosts of those kisses remained, always between them, even as the attempts to make it better in Aaron’s eyes became weaker and weaker. It was why he wanted him gone, however. Not because he worried he might give into Robert’s pleas; only a fool would depend on his words knowing they were built on a foundation of lies (and lies and lies and lies)._ _ _

___It was because it hurt. It tore him apart to see someone he could hate and love so much rolled into one, someone who had loved him achingly, pathetically, to his knees, crying for mercy, while considering taking his life away from him, after already trying to take everything else with his ever growing greed._ _ _

___“I stayed away because I didn’t _want_ to hurt you,” Robert had told him, trying to explain away his many claims to not love Aaron, to have never loved him, which they both knew was wholly, utterly false. And that it was a mistake?_ _ _

___Too little, too late. He’d already hurt him irreversibly and Robert saw that in his face. He saw it in the anger in his eyes, the sad, dull anger that was just tired of this all._ _ _

___“So you want to hurt me now?” Aaron had asked him._ _ _

___“No,” Robert had pleaded with him yet again. “I want to make it up to you.”_ _ _

___“You can’t.”_ _ _

___“I love you-”_ _ _

___“I don’t care.”_ _ _

___“I just want to show you that I love you properly, how I should’ve all along,” Robert begged him, convincingly even._ _ _

___They were just words. Aaron shook his head and reminded himself of that. He couldn’t trust anything that came from his mouth, it was just too big of a risk. Even if he so wanted to believe him, for that to be true. But he wasn’t about to put all his bets on a leopard changing its spots._ _ _

___It wasn’t easy, watching Robert’s face fall, seeing him break, the genuine tears filling his red eyes - even _if_ he deserved it, or so much worse even, Aaron had loved him and couldn’t say that none of that remained. But whereas Aaron could feel his pain, even as he pushed that away because he had to, Robert could never claim to have felt the hurt he’d caused him, intentionally, too many times. _ _ _

___It’s not a 'mistake’ when you do it again and again, Robert._ _ _


	2. Fire

Sneaking, invading tendrils of flames reached all around, spreading further, fast, nearer to the village, threatening to engulf everything in its path, anything it could get ahold of. The oppressive heat threatened to push Robert back down if the tentacle like reaching red arms didn’t get him first. He knew how a fire could spread, how the destruction could touch one thing, then another and another, quicker and quicker, until it was all around him, taking everything he knew from him, taking the people he loved, leaving him all alone and afraid for his own survival, while also caring less and less for it.

For once, he had to something to stop that. Not to protect himself, but to stop the potential destruction caused by him, stop it from reaching the people he loved. He’d already lost them. He couldn’t lose them again.

Robert wiped his face and it was black, with shiny glints of red - was that even his own? He couldn’t remember. He lifted his shirt and wiped it from his eyes, coughed into the shirt then looked around him clearer again. It was chaotic, others were trying to figure out what had happened, or were looking for people, or finding people and holding onto them for dear life, and Robert thought he could hear sirens coming from the distance. 

The village was also strangely, frustratingly and worryingly empty. There should be more people that he knew, here, now, but there were several faces unaccounted for - but many he assumed he knew where they were, who could’ve got to safety. 

The back of the Woolpack was empty. He’d searched there, quickly, but he was sure. Aaron wasn’t there. He wasn’t at the disastrous wedding or the féte. He hadn’t been at the scrapyard - he couldn’t have got there before he had.

He continued to call him, leave messages, text him, while looking around for him through his muggy eyes and still shocked, ringing ears, stressing the importance of getting back to him, that this wasn’t about earlier, that it wasn’t about _them_ , it was about _his_ safety. A few people he asked who gave him strange looks, at himself or what he was asking he didn’t know, but no one had seen him, not since he had seen him himself earlier.

_Fuck._

He was running out of places to look.

The likelihood was, Robert figured, he had heard the explosion or the chaos or the raging fire and had went in search of Paddy and Chas immediately, and it was possible they were missing each other, but Robert couldn’t see him searching, and no one else seemed to have either.

He rushed to check his phone again, knowing he might not be able to hear the ringtone properly, and stumbled, clumsily righted himself and knocked into someone else, dropping the phone. Desperately, he reached for it again and - there was nothing. 

“Robert?” Someone shouted at him from behind him, maybe the person he’d pushed past. “Are you hurt?”

It was someone unimportant and he didn’t think he was. “Have you seen Aaron?” He asked them. They shook their head. Victoria? Diane? Andy? They’d seen them, at the wedding, thought they’d seen Andy, with his kids and helping people get to safety, but didn’t know anything else - hadn’t seen Aaron all day.

He walked away without another word to them, mumbled a thank you when they were properly out of ear shot, distracted by the mixture of relief for his family, who he was sure were safe, and the building anxiety for Aaron’s whereabouts.

He had to be okay. This couldn’t happen. He couldn’t do this to him, he couldn’t cause this and let it happen to him, not to Aaron, and after everything he’d done to him already. Robert really was the worst thing to happen to him…

Confusedly, knowing he had to do something, but not knowing what, or how, or where even, he followed the crowd before him, aimlessly. Someone moved against him, clearly getting to safety, or home, or back to their loved ones, while others were following a wave toward the fires, the ones who were unlucky enough to not know where their loved ones were.

Robert searched around them still, not looking at the flames now, the increasing heat and the panic in front of him enough to remind him his actions had somehow led to this.

“Where is he?!” Someone shouted at him, grabbing at him from his side before he could see them, though it took him a short second to recognize that shrill shout at him.

“I don’t know,” Robert shook his head at Chas, more concerned than ever, that others were looking for him too. Fuck. 

“But it started - I mean, I _heard_ , this started at the scrapyard. Was he there?” She asked, worry across her face, her fingernails digging into him through the fabric of his shirt.

“No,” Robert answered and shook his head emphatically.

“I swear to God,” Chas’s voice mounted again, after a moment of some relief.

“If this is ‘cuz of you - if he’s _hurt_ because of you-”

“No,” Robert repeated, his voice breaking, as he turned away from her, to the flames engulfing the hall.

“Paddy’s in there,” Chas sobbed, possibly having turned her attention to someone else now.

Paddy.

Aaron would have gone in search of Chas and Paddy. 

Something told him where the object of his search was, as the mixed feelings of a hope that he’d found him, that he was still somewhere at least, rose in him with despair that he was within the mouth of the spreading carnage - and if he’d gone in for Paddy, he wouldn’t come out without him. 

It pulled him forward, shoving through the crowd who yelped and shouted at him on his way, as he faced those the red hot grasping, enticing fingers again, knowing that for once, he had to. He couldn’t pretend this wasn’t happening and he couldn’t run and hide when he knew how merciless the wave of destruction was, that it would carry on no matter what he wanted to see or believe, he could only do something about it. For once, the right thing; for once, not the only thing that would keep _himself_ safe. Who cared what would happen to him when what would that be worth if he let the person who go of the person who mattered most? Robert couldn’t let that realisation from his messed up mind be too late. 

Some seemingly disembodied hands held him back, not trying hard enough as he fell into the burning building anyway, pulling his jacket up with one arm to keep the smoke from his eyes while trying painstakingly to actually see anything through it. 

“Aaron!” He shouted yet again, internally praying, for once in his life, that he would hear an answer this time. 

He heard nothing but the constant reminder of the perilous situation he was in, the sickening crackling of the flames and movements of the building above and around him that let him know he could be swallowed up any moment, with anyone else he cared about inside if he didn’t find them.

“Aaron!” He repeated desperately as he kept moving forward, further from the only exit, not giving that any thought as he knew that this was what he had to do - even if he was wrong that Aaron was in here, he would risk himself for even the possibility that Aaron was in danger, especially if it was another time that it was because of him.

“Robert?” He finally heard the response he’d been desperately longing for within the flames around him, not that far away, finally seeing his hunched silhouette now that he knew where to look.

“Aaron,” he said now with relief in his choked voice. 

“What’re you-”

“I had to find you,” Robert explained briefly, hoping it would be obvious, but knowing it was down to him that Aaron had doubted how much he cared about him. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Aaron shook his head, leaving the matter of Robert’s presence as he turned his attention back to what he had been focussing on so much he hardly seemed to notice the nearing danger around him, except to raise his voice over the increasing noise. “It’s Paddy - I need to get him out but-”

Robert tore his eyes from carefully examining Aaron for any sign of injury to follow his increasingly anxious eyes to the figure on the ground before them, of a barely conscious Paddy. 

Robert couldn’t see that he was badly hurt but he’d been knocked down, seemingly by the beam that lay next to him which Robert assumed he and Aaron had had to move off of him, but now that and the smoke inhalation had him struggling to get up. His eyes were glazing, his body and resolve weakening, as his surrogate son also coughed and covered his face and leant on the ground more desperately and the path to get back out became increasingly fraught with dangers of more fires and obstacles and smoke filled the whole building.

“Aaron,” Robert pulled him back against him desperately, leaning down next to him to try and avoid the smoke above them. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Robert answered, annoyed and keeping his attention on Paddy. “You shouldn’t be here-”

“I don’t care, I had to,” Robert interrupted him. “We need to get out though. You need to get out,” he emphasized to Aaron, wrapping a hand around the back of his head and making him look at him. “I’m not going to leave you in here.”

“Paddy,” he answered simply.

Robert shook his head at Aaron. Fuck, he was as stubborn as ever even when their lives were in danger. His resolve was obvious in his grinding jaw, as he looked away from Robert finally and down to Paddy, who he kept a hand on at all times. He really would never leave Paddy in here. He was the most stupidly loving person Robert had ever met, maybe just the most stupid, when he was prepared to give his life for someone he loved, something that would have been utterly alien to Robert before now - and he loved him all the more for it. And he did understand it now. Before Aaron, Robert had laughed, loudly, at songs or movies that claimed 'learning to love’ from someone, but he understood that now, from Aaron, just like he no longer laughed at terms like 'true love’. Just like he didn’t laugh at the thought of giving your life to someone. 

“We’ll get him out together,” Robert told Aaron, placing his hand over his. 

“Really?” Aaron asked, looking into his smoke covered eyes quizzically, searchingly.

“Of course,” Robert nodded. “We’ll be quicker together. Come on,” he said, moving to the other side of Paddy’s increasingly weak and unconscious body.

“Paddy!” Aaron called at his surrogate father through the haze he knew he was under as he took his head in his hands. “We’re gonna get you outta here. Don’t give up, okay?” At which Paddy seemed to stir back into some consciousness, helping Robert and Aaron raise him up as much as he could, to at least get onto his feet as they pulled him up, which was slightly less difficult with the decreased lifelessness from him.

“This way,” Robert shouted and pointed out the path he’d found them by to Aaron, who was further away and as he either noticed more of the noise from the flames and collapsing building, or that noise itself was increasing as well.

He led Aaron and Paddy back the way he’d came, squinting through the smoke, which was harder than ever to see through while he kept one arm around Paddy and another holding his arm secured around him too. He hoped against hope the smoke wasn’t getting to Aaron as much, that they could get out of here before he inhaled too much of it.

Continuing to guide Aaron through some similar path, he recognized the new obstacles in their way, the more he needed to crouch down and an anxiety increased within him that he wouldn’t succeed in keeping Aaron safe. But he knew this wasn’t just about Aaron, or it certainly wasn’t for Aaron. If he left Paddy to die, Aaron’s life wouldn’t be worth living for him. Robert knew he couldn’t let him feel that kind of suffering again.

“Come on,” Robert shouted as Aaron seemed to slow down on the other side of the slumped body. “Aaron?” He called with concern as he moved nearer to him, as much as he could. 

“I’m fine,” Aaron shouted back, but Robert could see through that as he was bending over in a coughing fit, finally needing to stop altogether.

“Aaron-” Robert started, concerned with him.

“I’m not leaving him,” Aaron said again and it was clear in his eyes as he looked up at Robert that he meant it. 

“Then come on,” Robert told him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’s just a few steps more. I know you can do this, for him,” he said, nodding his head towards Paddy who still slumped over his shoulder. “And for me. Because I meant it when I said that if anything happened to you-”

“Okay,” Aaron stopped him, nodding and straightening up with a slight struggle. “Thank you,” he said with a meaningful look toward Robert as they returned to either side of Paddy, continuing to pull him forward with them to the exit from the inferno.

The heat was building, as was the height of the flames, towering above them and bringing more creaking from the building that was surely going to collapse soon, down upon them if they didn’t get out. As the pressure mounted to help them out, Robert also increasingly felt the effect of the smoke in his eyes and that snaked into his throat and lungs, and how he felt like he was being physically pushed down by it all. 

And what was there when he got out of this? Possibly the blame for all of this, perhaps deservedly. More hatred and vitriol. More reasons to hate himself and this life if people were seriously hurt - if yet again, mostly harmless Paddy was in serious danger because of him. More reason for Aaron to despise the sight of him and want him gone, for good.

For once in his life, what kept Robert moving forward wasn’t the thought of himself. It wasn’t his desperate need to survive, and to have the best for himself, despite what he had to do, and despite anybody else. 

That wasn’t gone, not yet. But what he had left of his former life and gone up in flames, quite literally, and with the prospect in front of him of having to start all over to make something of himself, with the added difficulties of having to rebuild his reputation as well, somehow everything seemed clearer to Robert in the aftermath. The Whites weren’t who he needed, or rather their lifestyle wasn’t what he needed. It was the default, to hold onto that, to get it back, like some sort of comfort blanket of his secure adult life, like a reminder that he was something.

What was harder to really see, to face up to, to what he really was without the front, without the money and the business and the wife and step son and rich, investor father in law. To see what, and who, he really needed. To face up to the fact that while he’d been trying his best to live up to his vision of what he should be, what he’d found his way back to who he really was. And as much as he’d struggled against that, held onto what he could have until he no longer could any more, what he’d discovered was that he needed his family, his actual family, and he needed the people he’d so effortlessly loved in a way that was so natural and right that he felt it in his blood and his bones and in every part of him, and the strength of it frightened him - that he would lose everything for it scared him. Facing up to that now scared him.

But right now he could see as clear as he could see the light of the fire, feel it on his face and under his skin, with every sense of his body, who he would lie his life on the line for truly. It still scared him, that kind of all consuming love, the kind of sacrifices that had to be made for that, the accepting that he was a different person to who he’d had to be for that, that he had to be a different and better version of himself for Aaron and his family, his real family. All of that he knew effortlessly now, with the mix of the life or death situation, and being faced with the man he loved again, and from the weeks he’d been dealing with this and finding out what he really could and couldn’t do for him and to be who he truly was himself (whether he could be him without the money and fake family and business and titles and cars). 

What he could see was himself through Aaron’s eyes over those last weeks. It didn’t shock him to see how awful he’d been to Aaron, how truly terrible, because that was the kind of person he was when he wanted what he wanted. But what he also saw was that Aaron had seen more than that from him and Aaron had hoped for so much more from him and he’d loved him for what he could have been for him. It was only Robert’s own cowardice and selfishness that had prevented him from living up to that. 

As the sun shone back on his face, as he searched for it through the smoke and welcomed the more natural heat down on him, he knew with the same clarity of the clearer air around him that he could try. Whether he could be what Aaron wanted, what he’d hoped for and what he’d seen from Robert that he could be, Robert didn’t know. But he would try and hope and pray that it would be enough for Aaron, while knowing it may never be enough now, but he wouldn’t give up.

He placed his hand on the back of Aaron’s heated neck as he returned to leaning over Paddy, after they’d carefully laid him down as far from the building as they could. 

“They’ll take care of him now,” Robert told him softly as the paramedics finally arrived and took over. 

As he turned away from Paddy, reluctantly letting him go as Chas followed him on the stretcher with concern, the emotion seemed to fill Aaron overwhelmingly for a moment, as he stepped nearer to Robert then pulled back, unsure of himself. After a moment of indecision, he did lean forward and rest his forehead on Robert’s shoulder with a shaky sigh, letting go of all the worry he’d had for Paddy and with it, for the moment, the anger he had at Robert, in a moment where all he wanted was to feel his warmth again despite everything else. Robert obliged with an intake of breath, as if an shock of electricity had hit him with Aaron’s welcoming touch, that he’d missed so much, and he placed a hand softly around the trembling man’s back. So much, he wanted to pull him closer, wrap both his arms around him and hold on for dear life while shutting everyone around them out but he didn’t want to push Aaron. After a moment, Aaron placed a hand on Robert’s waist, just a brush over the fabric that still shot through Robert, before he pushed himself back away from him. He wiped his eyes as he looked away from Robert, who watched him and felt the gulf between them achingly - it was smaller than it was but it was still there. 

“He’ll be okay,” Robert reassured Aaron while he looked into his worried eyes and he needed that to be true, because Aaron so needed it to be true. 

“Thank you,” Aaron said, regarding him carefully, thoughtfully, as if he’d only just seen him and all that had happened in what was really quite a short amount of time only now was beginning to sink in. 

“You said,” Robert replied with a gentle smile. “Which you didn’t have to then either. It’s the least I can do….”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “But… you could’ve… You didn’t have to. So thank you,” he said again, nodding and shuffling on his feet.

“Are you okay?” Robert asked him with genuine concern. “I mean, all the smoke in there. You might need to see someone yourself as well.”

“What about you?” Aaron asked him, his eyebrows furrowing as he looked up at Robert. His face was still covered with black marks and worse, probably looking worse now than ever. Aaron’s eyes travelled down his body, past the rest of the marks, the ruined clothes, perhaps seeing that that wasn’t all caused just now, in there. 

“I’m okay,” Robert said, shaking his head, knowing that he might not be, not in the way he meant (but if Aaron was okay right now, so was he, Robert felt) but not prepared to leave Aaron before he left him first.

“Good,” Aaron said, nodding, still visibly working things out in his mind, with everything else that was going through it. 

After a moment, he seemed to decide something, and again took a step forward which closed the gap between them, to Robert’s immense relief - but this time, after a beat of their hearts, he did wrap his arms around Robert. And they both did hold on for dear life, savouring this moment where, amongst the crowds and the panic, it was just the two of them, grateful that they still had each other.


	3. Middleground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will all be forgiven because of Robert's actions during the disaster? Is it ever that simple for Robert and Aaron?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be simply 3 chapters but it's ended up longer... This chapter title is inspired by the song 'Middleground' by Vermillion Lies, if anyone's interested. https://vermillionlies.bandcamp.com/track/middleground  
> Thanks everybody who's read so far because I've put a lot of work into this (and to people who read all or any of my fics, as always), and especially to people who leave kudos or comments. xx

"There is... nothing in the middle for us," Aaron said quietly, looking away from Robert, seemingly into the distance, while actually deep in his muddled thoughts over his and Robert’s relationship, and what could potentially be their future. "It's all or nothing."

"Well, I know which I want," Robert said, half-jokingly, simply from being that glad to be sitting like this with Aaron again, across from each other in the living area of the Woolpack, without Aaron throwing him out or pushing past him to get away from him as fast as he could.

"I know which you want too," Aaron said with a tilt of his head. "But I don't know if I'm ready for... all."

"Right," Robert said, a seriousness spreading over his face like a dark cloud with the realisation that this was that kind of discussion. "That's fine. I can wait."

Finally, Aaron looked up at him and it felt like that same moment when he finally wrapped his arms around him again, like the light flooding down on them when they got out of that oppressive fire and back into the freedom.

"I know," he said gently. "But I just - I'm not sure I will want 'all', maybe.. ever," Aaron continued, speaking carefully and not wanting to throw this back in Robert's face for once. "And I don't want to be stringin' you along."

"Well," Robert started, his hands outstretched before him in a shrug, feeling deeply disappointed but wanting to hide it for the sake of not pressuring Aaron, especially when he was still reeling from what had happened, like they all were. "I'm fine with that. String me along all you want."

"You don't mean that," Aaron said with a chuckle. "Or you wouldn't feel the same if I did do that... And honestly, I dunno I'd want to do that anyway."

"Really, don't worry about it," Robert broke in.

"I don't mean for you," Aaron replied.

"Thanks," Robert smiled.

"I mean," Aaron tried to backtrack. "I - it's just too difficult. This is, right now… you know it is too."

"What is?" Robert asked with furrowed brow.

"Being... friendly," Aaron answered, pronouncing the word mockingly, not knowing if that was ever really the word for them. There'd never really been a point where they were friendly between the hating each other and jumping into bed (or rather the back of a stranger's car) together. "You know you prob'ly want to jump me right now."

"No, I don't," Robert chuckled, lying through his teeth, which Aaron could tell from his sheepish smile.

"It's always love or hate with us - it has to be everything or nothing. I don't know why but-"

"Because we're in love?" Robert suggested, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, as he looked up into Aaron's thoughtful face.

"Love isn't always like this," Aaron denied, shaking his head. "It wasn't like this with - you know. Not as much anyway."

"So what are you saying?" Robert asked, becoming confused. As far as he was concerned, that was exactly what he wanted, what felt natural to him. Why should there be a middleground for people who were truly in love? What was even the point? Of being in love in any other way but the all consuming way?

"It's - it's the way that saying you love me, love me in this life changing way, and pointing a gun to my head are-"

"Aaron, don't," Robert said, grimacing.

"I'm not trying to throw it back in your face," Aaron said. "But it happened. Not that long ago, even if so much has happened since then."

"I know," Robert said, rubbing his forehead with a deep sigh. "And I regret it more than anything."

"I'm not saying I blame you for this but... It's the way our ... relationship," Aaron said carefully, making a face at saying that word, "is either love that takes over everything, our whole lives, that we'd risk our lives for, or is hate and destruction..."

"It doesn't have to be that anymore, not at all," Robert told him, shaking his head. It was an awful mistake that Robert knew he would learn from. He could never do that to him again and he hated himself that he ever could have.

"I know," Aaron said, now leaning forward himself, lowering his voice to speak to Robert softly. "But I need to be sure. I can't have more people getting hurt because of us - 'cuz we should've stayed apart and... I can't hurt Paddy."

"That's never going to happen again," Robert said, showing as much regret for what he'd nearly done to Paddy.

"But it'll still hurt him, if I rush back into being with you, right after he's been hurt again as well. And you don't know how that affected us, what happened. I don't think he trusts me anymore," Aaron said, looking down as he said the words quietly, emotionally and Robert knew he was confiding something in him that he was terrified was true and irreversible.

"He does," Robert said with certainty, placing a hand firmly over Aaron's fidgeting fingers. "After what happened? Please, Aaron, you're the best son anyone could ask for. And I know what it's like being a nightmare son to know the difference."

Thinking back, there was hardly a doubt in Robert's mind that his father didn't trust him. With the regret he always carried with him over their relationship, Robert could understand Aaron being distracted by these fears for his relationship with Paddy while the man was still recovering in a hospital bed.

"Thanks," Aaron said, smiling back up at Robert, and Robert knew that had meant something to him. Another thing Robert regretted. That there were so many times he hadn't been here for Aaron when he needed someone, simply to reassure him, hold his hand, not let him be alone when he was vulnerable.

"You remember what I said to you, after I told you I loved you?" Robert asked, bringing the conversation back to Aaron's, not giving in to wanting to avoid it. "That I'd be there for you, that you weren't alone anymore?"

"Yeah," Aaron said, furrowing his eyebrows as he searched for his meaning in his face.

"Well, I didn't take that as seriously as I should've," Robert said simply. "We both know that. I meant it, Aaron, I really did. But maybe... I didn't accept as much as I should have how much I loved you. I didn't realise how much you need to devote yourself to one person if you love with them. And I was wrong - and I won't be this time when I tell you that, no matter what, I'm going to be there for you if you need me."

Aaron nodded quietly, letting the words sink in, letting himself feel Robert's strangely selfless love, treasuring it.

"You're not alone either," Aaron told him, which meant just as much to Robert, when he'd been so forced into isolation lately, as much as he deserved that, for people to want to stay the hell away from him when they learned how he could treat people (without even knowing the half of it, truly).

"So?" Robert couldn't help but ask.

"So - all or nothing?" Aaron asked jokingly.

"Yeah, I guess..." Robert trailed off, already sure he wanted it all with Aaron.

"I need to... focus on Paddy, and mum," Aaron said. "And all of this... And you should focus on your family too, you know that."

"If they want to know," Robert said bitterly.

"They will," Aaron said with a firm nod. "You just need to show them that it's worth it to trust you, to let you into their lives, like you showed me."

"Great, I just need another burning building then," Robert sighed back into the sofa.

"You just need to show them you want to be in their lives, that you're there for them too," Aaron said. "Diane knows what family means right now and Victoria needs you with Adam hurt and - they need you, Robert. You can't just focus on this, us, and neglect them. Because you do that y'know? You can't just pick people up and abandon them whenever you feel like it."

"Do I do that?" Robert asked, abashedly, already knowing the answer.

"Go," Aaron said. Robert couldn't help but smile at how differently he said that word to him now. "Go find Diane or Vic or Andy, apologise, mean it, tell them you'll be there for them. Okay?"

"Yeah," Robert said with a soft smile. "Okay."

Soon after their conclusion, Robert left as Aaron prepared to visit Paddy, and he did go after Diane, and comfort her for Val, apologise truly for being a shit step son and explained to her as much as he could of what happened, but he didn't make excuses - he'd made bad decisions that were all on his head and all he could promise to anyone was to try and do better now.

"I'm sorry," Diane cried with the emotion of everything that had happened, too much for her to properly take in yet and Robert tried to be as much of a comfort as he could, as he wrapped an arm around her. "I haven't helped you at all, have I?"

"No, Diane, I'm sorry," Robert said. "For putting you through this again, with the cheating, with Andy and me. It's my fault and... it's up to me to help myself. And help you with everything now, if you'll let me."

"Of course," Diane said, bringing Robert into a tight, tearful hug. "We're family; we have to be here for each other no matter what, or what are we good for?"

“Yeah,” Robert agreed with a soft smile. “But now it’s my turn to be there for you all.”

 

"Paddy," Aaron greeted him warmly as he entered the Woolpack, leaning on a crutch and only able to return Aaron's hug which nearly threw him over with one arm.

"Ya need to stop getting yourself put in hospital, mate. Rhona'll think you're just tryin' to bunk off work."

"Yeah, I think she's already starting to suspect that," Paddy replied, being helped by Aaron to one of the chairs - not that he needed it with the crutch, but Aaron was going to help him anyway, so he let him.

"Hey, are you okay?" Paddy asked Aaron when he returned with a pint for each of them.

"Shouldn't I be the one askin' you that?" Aaron tried to joke away his concern, making a face and pushing Paddy's pint closer in front of him.

"Yeah, and you have been, about a hundred times every time you've come see me," Paddy said, only slightly exaggerating. This had got to Aaron, everything that had happened with Paddy had, and Paddy could see that, could see that he should be more careful with him after how he'd blown up at him before. "But you seem distracted, and you know you can talk to me."

"Of course I do," Aaron shrugged him off, taking a sip of his pint. But he knew he couldn't talk to him about it, that he couldn't stop thinking about the man who'd got him into danger before, who'd made Paddy so scared for not only his own life, but for his family's. Rightfully, he wanted nothing to do with Robert, so how could Aaron bring him up to him, let alone mention even thinking about being with him again? He'd already know his stance on that.

He couldn't do it, he decided, as much as he looked at Paddy, how he bristled when he heard Robert's name even mentioned, how it was clear, even though he didn't mention it for Aaron's sake, he partly blamed Robert for this accident too. Paddy was never going to trust him and Aaron couldn't lose him, which he knew more certainly than ever now. In his eyes, Robert was somebody who would hurt his family if he was let anywhere near him and who had hurt him again and again, not to mention his worries of what being with Robert did to Aaron. How could Aaron be the one to bring that man back into Paddy's life, after everything? After what they'd been through at the cabin, at his hands, or at the barrel of his handgun, rather?

"I'm sorry," Aaron found himself saying to Paddy.

"Eh?" Paddy paused half-sip, turning his attention back to him.

"For everything. I'm sorry," Aaron repeated, more firmly.

"I know you are," Paddy said with a sigh. "But you don't need to be. It's not you who... you know," Paddy tilted his head, knowing he couldn't get into that in the middle of the Woolpack, but also not wanting to bring it up with Aaron, not wanting to be even that involved with that man to still be talking about him with Aaron. "I shouldn't have blamed you for it at all."

"You didn't," Aaron disagreed with him.

"But I took it out on you," Paddy admitted. "You were just as much a victim in ... that as I was. We were both affected by it, though, weren't we?"

"Yeah," Aaron nodded, too distracted by his choice of words though to continue the discussion much.

Paddy spoke about Leo and Rhona, Aaron felt bad about Rhona's worry, but less bad that Paddy secretly enjoyed having an excuse to spend more time with the child, with his family who he’d felt had been at risk all because of him and Robert; Aaron made some obligatory grumble about Chas being annoying, but who was dealing alright with everything, while mostly being there for Debbie right now. His part in the conversation was only half-hearted.

Victim?

Is that how Paddy saw him?

As Robert's victim?

But... Could he blame him? Robert had threatened to kill him and even before that, the way he affected Aaron's life... And from Paddy's point of view, this was a man who continuously tried to kill people and had once succeeded. That was the kind of man who had victims.

As much as that thought spun around Aaron's mind that night, Aaron couldn't see himself as a victim - but, looking back, it became less clear. Everything that had happened between them, the manipulation, and lies, and threats, and insults, and violence and... That wasn't right.

Was Paddy right?

“Hey,” Aaron called over the bar later, when Paddy had left to go home and Aaron… didn’t know what to do.

“Whut?” Victoria shouted back.

“What’s wrong with you?” Aaron asked, getting up to lean over the bar.

“Well, I’m not a barmaid for one thing,” she said, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But Diane’s with… He who will not be named.”

“Robert?” Aaron asked after a moment. “Right,” he said thoughtfully, leaning back up, his hands flat on the bar. “What, are they talking?”

“Yeah,” she said, making a face. “He’s just takin’ advantage of her being upset, I’m sure of it.”

“No, he’s not,” Aaron denied. “He really wants to make up with your lot.”

“Please,” Victoria shook her head at him. “Do not tell me you’re giving him another shot. Not that I get why you ever did, still. But I prefer not to think about it before you get into any… explanations, excuses, whatever.” She made a face for the thought of them sneaking around getting back in her head. One of her best mates and Robert? One of her guy best mates and Robert? It was surreal – the last thing she ever would have expected could have been going on for months behind her back, as well as everyone else’s.

“No,” Aaron answered, not looking her in the eye, because it’s not like he wasn’t considering it. “I just know he really wants to change, and he really wants to make it up with everyone, for everything he did.”

“Why are you on his side?” Victoria asked, exasperated. “He mucked around with you an’ all. Or do cheating liars stick together?” With a huff, she threw a towel down on the bar, for emphasis, then realised she needed it and picked it back before storming away from him into the back.

“Hey – wait, Vic,” Aaron called after her as her followed her into the back.

“Oh, leave me alone, Aaron,” she cried, wiping a tear from her cheek angrily.

“Hey, Vic,” Aaron said, adopting a quieter tone. “I know this is all difficult. Adam getting hurt, Paddy hurt, Val-”

“Yeah, I know,” Victoria said, collecting herself somewhat. “It’s difficult for everyone. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

“I know,” Aaron said, giving her arm a comforting touch.

“That doesn’t mean you’re forgiven.”

“I know that too,” Aaron said, in a lighter tone he hoped would help lighten the mood between them. “Though I didn’t cheat – just sayin’.”

“But you did lie to me, and Adam, for months, and kept his lies from us! His family, and you knew what he was up to and you – you helped him hurt people, when he didn’t even want you over Chrissie anyway, like a mug. I don’t get it - I’m sorry Aaron, I just don’t.”

“Well, when you put it like that,” Aaron sighed, looking down, as ashamed as ever about his part in everything that had happened. And Victoria didn’t even know his whole part in in it…

“You don’t deny it then? That you did all that?”

“No,” Aaron said honestly, looking her back in the eye with seriousness. “And neither does Robert. We’ve all messed up, Vic. And all we can do is try to make up for it and be better.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I have to forgive ya,” Vic said, though her eyeroll suggested she was less angry now and more annoyed.

“You don’t,” Aaron said. “But I hope you do. And I hope you at least give Robert a chance to talk to you… After all, he had his reasons…”

“Yeah, keeping Chrissie’s money.”

“Maybe,” Aaron said with a conceding tilt of his head. “But he also just wanted you all to still love him.”

“Of course we still love him!” Victoria cut him off. “So does Andy even… in a way. Robert would get that if he got families at all.”

“He’s trying,” Aaron said with a shrug as he backed off from her. “And I’m still here for you too if you need me.”

“Wait, I do,” Victoria said, stopping him, then stepping forward and wrapping her arms around his torso.

“Oh,” Aaron said, stepping backwards under the force as she wrapped her arms around him tightly then quickly pulled away.

“Sorry,” she said awkwardly. “This is all makin’ me really emotional. But, mates, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, smiling warmly at her.

“And I’ll… I’ll talk to Robert,” she said finally, though her unsureness about him was still evident in her face, which dropped thinking about him. “If only cuz he would’ve got my Harry Potter reference that you or Adam wouldn’t…”

Before any more could be said between them, they both turned to the sound of two pairs of footsteps down the from behind them.

“And you’ll come by for tea, right?”

“Yeah, ‘course I will, Diane.”

“We invited to that then?” Victoria asked, with arms back across her chest, trying to make this meeting in the corridor awkward.

“Of course ya are, pet, don’t be silly,” Diane said, not giving her mood attention and patting her arm as she walked by her to return to the arm.

“You okay, Vic?” Robert asked her, fitting his hands into his pocket and certainly feeling the awkwardness from Victoria and unable to decide whether or not he should be giving Aaron a small smile right now.

“Not really, no,” she said, looking at the ground away from him.

“O…kay, I should leave you to it,” Aaron said, giving Robert a nod and Victoria a meaningful look before he returned into the pub.

“To what?” Robert asked Victoria, mainly to fill the awkward silence between them.

“To me ripping your head off then realising we’re family and only have each other then making up?” Victoria suggested sarcastically.

“Can we skip the first bit?” Robert suggested. Victoria gave him an annoyed look, but at least she was looking at him, Robert figured. “Cuz I already know that I need you and I’m up for the making up.”

“And if I’m not?” Victoria asked seriously.

“Then… how can I make it up to you?”

“Dunno,” Victoria said, shaking her head.

Robert stepped forward with a sigh, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry for all the lies, Vic,” he told her. “You know I am. And I’m not gonna lie to you all any more if I can help it.”

“Or hurt everyone around you?” Victoria asked pointedly.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone else, Vic,” Robert said. “Least of all you. That was never part of my plan.”

“Then what was your plan? What did you mean to achieve with all that?” Victoria asked. “Really, I want to know. Was it all about the money?”

“I don’t know, Victoria,” Robert sighed. “It was a lot of… messed up things that I regret. I just want to make something of myself, you know that, you know that’s what I’ve always wanted. But everything got twisted up and I just… didn’t know how to handle it all anymore.”

“Maybe without cheating, lying, fighting-“

“I know,” Robert said, shaking his head. “I’ve been an idiot. I already know that.”

“Why lie to me? About being – whatever – ” Victoria asked, leaning back against the wall, more prepared to give him the time of day now.

“I just didn’t want you to hate me,” Robert said hesitatingly.

“I don’t,” Victoria sighed. “I just think you’re a massive plank and that if you do anything to hurt me, or anyone I care about, again-“

“I won’t!” Robert insisted. “Not intentionally, anyway.”

“And Aaron?” She asked pointedly.

“What… about him?” Robert asked awkwardly.

“You couldn’t tell me about that? Really?” Victoria asked, a disappointed look on her face.

“Please, Vic, don’t make it personal,” Robert said, regret on his face. “For a lot of that time, I wouldn’t have admitted it to myself, let alone tell anyone else. I’m still… figuring stuff out. I know I want to be with Aaron but-”

“But that’s all a huge mess too?” Victoria finished for him.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “And he has some stuff to figure out as well.”

“Yeah? Well, he was in here making me give you another chance a second ago,” she told him.

“Ah, is that what that was about?” Robert asked, undeniably pleased to hear it.

“Ugh, your face just went all gooey heart eyed, that’s so gross,” Victoria said, pulling a face, and making Robert look away from her bashfully. “But… I never saw you look like that about Chrissie.”

“Yeah,” Robert nodded. “I didn’t want to admit it either but… It’s something else, me and him.”

“Ugh, no,” Victoria couldn’t help but groan. “Don’t make me get on your side as well. Especially… not if you’re just gonna hurt him.”

“I’m not,” Robert said decisively. “I have, I know I have. But all I care about now is proving to him that what we have is worth another chance – that I’m worth another chance.”

“Okay, okay,” Victoria quieted him. “If you love him… If that’s why you cheated…”

“I do,” Robert said. “And he’s always been hard to stay away from.”

“Ew, you’re making that face again.”


	4. Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will Robert and Aaron overcome the obstacles that still exist for their relationship?

The space between them seemed gigantic, with the light shining in between them seeming somehow to mockingly emphasize it to Robert, who felt like the whole room was between them, and so much more as well. So much that he couldn't control, that he couldn't undo from his past made up of regrets. This felt so far from where they were as they held each other in their arms under blissful sunlight after the darkness of smoke. But back in the stark real world, faced with everything else, everyone else, there was more to it than that, more that lay between them them being together.

“Hey,” Robert broke into the silence awkwardly.

“Hey,” Aaron said finally, shuffling his feet next to the dining table.

“Thanks for… before, with Victoria,” Robert said. “Andy’s still… you know, but… What did you want to talk to me about?” Robert asked, deciding to rip the plaster off.

“It’s just – it’s not enough,” Aaron said, regretfully, looking away from Robert.

Robert shook his head at him quietly, questioningly.

“What you did… I’m grateful you helped me with Paddy. I really am,” Aaron said. “And I … understand why you did a lot of what you did. Not all of it, ‘cuz some of it was still fucking messed up but – I get you want to change. And I’m not going to hold everything you did against you. I’m not going to… I mean, we’re okay now, okay?”

“Yeah,” Robert nodded. “But?”

“But that doesn’t mean we should be together,” Aaron said, simply, knowing he couldn’t keep Robert waiting for his decision any longer, though he didn’t want to say the words. “I still think we should… stay away from each other.” But he had to say them. He had to force himself to end this.

“Right,” Robert said, digesting those words that he'd so feared he'd hear when Aaron had finally texted him to meet alone again.

“Right?” Aaron asked, sitting down next to the dining table and stopping his pacing from before.

Robert shrugged, swallowing down his emotion, as he so often had done to deal with them, to be able to go on. “What do you want me to say? If that’s what you want… Fine, I guess.”

“Really?” Aaron asked.

“What?” Robert questioned him back. “You seem disappointed. What, that I’m not being an asshole about it? And proving you all right, that I’ll never change?”

“I do think you can change,” Aaron argued back, furrowing his brow and sitting back defensively at Robert thinking that of him.

“Yeah,” Robert said, shaking his head, regretting that show of his natural instinct to lash out when hurt. “I know you do, and you don’t have to, so thank you. And thank you for being honest, Aaron.”

The silence between them weighed down on them both for that moment, when Robert didn’t know what he could do now and Aaron didn’t know what else he could say. So Robert made to leave, before his buried desperation for him was also shown, not wanting to suffer this tension anymore, and figuring Aaron might want evidence of his agreeing to stay away.

“What, that’s it?” Aaron asked, not really surprising himself that he didn’t want to watch him just walk away like that.

“What more do you want?” Robert asked him as he turned back around, giving a humourless laugh.

“You can fight for Chrissie till she nearly blows you up but with us…?”

“I already wanted you back before she… That happened,” Robert said defensively. “You know I just wanted… my life here still… And who says I’m giving up?”

“You’re walking away,” Aaron said. “That’s not the same?”

“No,” Robert said with an annoyed shake of his head, stepping forward to close some of the gap between them. “I’m giving you space, because that’s what you want. And I _will_ do whatever you want, because I’ve put you through so much. It’s the least you deserve, to stay away from me if you want to. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up.”

“How’s that?” Aaron asked, wanting him to get to the point, wanting him to not give up, and to really see the proof that he wouldn't.

“Because I’m not going to stop proving to you that I’ve changed and that I’m still trying to do better, to be better, for you, and to do all that I can to try and make up for the stuff I’ve done,” Robert said, looking Aaron in the eye as he delivered his words with determination. “I’ll save Paddy’s bloody life every day if I have to.”

“Really?” Aaron asked with a smile. “Without putting him in danger first, I hope.”

“No,” Robert said, with another annoyed look at him. “I get it. You can’t just accept that I’ve changed…”

“But?” It was Aaron’s turn to ask.

“But I don’t buy that this is about Paddy, or Chas even, or anyone else and whatever they think,” Robert said. “I think I’ve already shown that I’m not going after them anymore. It’s about you, and you don’t want to take that risk on me again, not after everything. And I understand that so I just – I’m just going to try to prove to you I’m worth it.”

“Okay,” Aaron said with a nod. It was good to hear, that his slither of doubt that he really would just go back to trying to get Chrissie back now.

“I’m right then?” Robert asked, more out of a need to know than to try to change Aaron’s mind. “You don’t trust me, do you?”

Aaron sighed. “I don’t know,” he answered finally.

“Then you don’t,” Robert told him with a sad smile.

“Do you blame me?” Aaron couldn’t help but bite back.

“No,” Robert answered immediately. “Of course I don’t. That’s what I’m saying… I’m going to earn back your trust. I don’t expect it to happen right away, but I will. So no, I’m not giving up, because I know you’re not giving up on us either. Deep down, you haven't, that's why this is so hard for you. But I’ll give you the space that you need now.”

“And then?” Aaron asked.

“When you want to be with me again as much as I want to be with you, when you know I’m worth it… Let me know,” he finished with a shrug, making Aaron smirk at his self-assurance. Some things about him would never change, and neither would the things that made him fall for him, Aaron realised.

“Okay,” Aaron replied finally, and let this come to an end, letting the space between them grow again, for now.

 

“Paddy?” Aaron called through the already open door, already knowing he was in the house.

“Yeah?” Paddy called from somewhere inside. “Come right through, Aaron.”

“Hey,” Aaron said awkwardly from the doorway as he followed Paddy’s instruction.

“What is it?” Paddy asked. Still, he always knew just from a look at Aaron’s face when something was bothering him or playing on his mind.

“Can I – can I take you up on your offer? To talk… about something?” Aaron hesitantly asked him.

“Yeah,” Paddy said, nodding immediately with concern, and he sat back on the sofa and motioned for Aaron to join him, who sat on the edge of the sofa, fidgeting with his hands and not looking directly at Paddy.

“Please don’t hate me,” Aaron said eventually.

“Not possible,” Paddy replied without a second’s thought.

“You don’t know what I’m gonna say yet,” Aaron said, shaking his head.

“Is it about- you know?” Paddy hesitated to ask, already guessing.

“Robert?” Aaron asking, venturing to say his name again to Paddy. “If you’re not gonna hate me if it is.”

“I already said, no, I won’t,” Paddy said, but he gave a deep sigh having said that. “Are you and he-?”

“No,” Aaron answered, not wanting to hear Paddy’s disappointment in even thinking for a second that they were together again. “But – but we’ve talked.”

“There’s no point in avoiding each other, I guess. In a small place like this.” It was clear Paddy didn’t really know what to say about it.

“Paddy, am I- am I still just hurting you after all these years?” Aaron choked out, needing to know the answer to his fears around Paddy lately.

“No! God, no, Aaron. How many times do I have to say what happened wasn’t your fault?”

“I know, I know,” Aaron said, wiping his face, still secretly glad to hear it, the confirmation, when a part of him still blamed himself. “But it was his so… It would hurt you if I … I mean, if…”

“Are you saying you want to get back together with him?” Paddy finally asked, certainly not seeming thrilled by the thought of that prospect.

“I – I don’t know, Paddy,” Aaron answered honestly, slumping forward to lay his head in his hands.

“Well… What don’t you know?” Paddy asked, leaning forward, and trying his best to be understanding.

“I don’t know if I can trust him,” Aaron started. “I don’t know if I can bear to hurt you like that, to be with someone who hurt you. I don’t know if it can ever work out, or if I can forget the things he’s done, or if he can really change – or what we have, or had, can ever stop being that destructive… I – I don’t want to hurt anyone again.” Aaron paused to take a breath from blurting all his honest feelings to Paddy, relieved to not hold back with the one person he truly trusted to talk to, but tears ran down his face to confront all the fears he still couldn't let go of.

“That’s… definitely a lot to think about,” Paddy replied with a sigh. “But, look, firstly. Stop thinking about what others want. Obviously he’s not… a complete psychopath, with what happened, in the fire. And he has nothing against … us, now. It’s just – do you really want to be with someone who’s capable of making those kinds of threats? Of hurting you like he did?”

“No,” Aaron answered, shaking his head determinedly. “Of course I don’t but – I don’t just think of Robert as the things he’s done – like _I’m_ not just the mistakes I’ve made, or the people I’ve hurt.”

“They’re very different situations,” Paddy told him decisively. 

“I know they are,” Aaron agreed, with a nod, and thinking about that. “But I guess – what matters is that I put that behind me, the hurting me, and wanted to stop. Because you all had faith I could, as well. And Robert does want to stop doing those things, as well. I can understand that."

“I’m sure he does,” Paddy said reluctantly. “But do you believe he will? You can’t be with someone who will just hurt you, Aaron. It’s not healthy, or right and… At the end of the day, Aaron, what I care about, for you, is that you’re not hurting yourself. And if you’re not sure whether you can be with him, because you’re not sure if you can trust him to not do the same things again then – Then you know what I think about it, don’t you Aaron?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said, nodding his agreement as he wiped tears from his cheek. “But I still want to be with him. When he’s – like this. When we’re still in love despite everything.”

“I get that, Aaron,” Paddy said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “You know... that I know what it is to love someone when you shouldn’t, when you wish you didn’t, when you can’t control it, and when it just hurts. But that doesn’t make it right always. Love doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other, or that it could or should work out.”

“So I should stay away?” Aaron asked, finally, wanting a decisive answer in what to do.

“No, I’m not telling you what to do,” Paddy said. “I’ve done that enough and you know what? You ignore me and do what you want in the end anyway. So… if you’re here asking me what to do, instead of going ahead and doing it, then perhaps that answers your question.”

“But I do want to be with him,” Aaron admitted. Those feelings never entirely went away. “I just don’t want to do the same mistakes that I have.”

“You won’t,” Paddy told him. “Not if you’re dealing with this with your eyes open. You’ll just need to figure it out yourself. But I wouldn’t get back with someone you’re so unsure of.”

“I won’t,” Aaron said, sighing.

And he wouldn’t get back with Robert if he couldn’t ever truly trust him, or couldn't stop fearing that being with him would just be hurting everyone involved again. But he felt it instinctively with every part of himself that he should be with him. As always, that magnetism between them was still here, which told him that it was _right_. Despite everything that was so wrong, the love between them was the one bright light in all the lies and deceit and violence... Those feelings in the past, though, had caused him to do things he regretted now. It wasn’t just the trust issues with Robert; he didn’t know if he could trust himself now either.

Aaron couldn’t struggle with wanting to be with him and _not_ \- or being with him and second guessing everything.

-

“Aaron,” Robert said with surprise as he answered his hotel room to see him there with gentle surprise, having thought they were doing the giving-each-other space thing now. “Do you… want to come in?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said, quickly walking past him, and Robert could identify he already had something to say, that he’d come here with a purpose.

“What is it?” Robert had to ask, to know where they stood. 

“I need to know,” Aaron said, pausing his fidgety pacing to look Robert in the eye.

“Know what?” Robert asked confusedly, lowering his voice as he stepped forward to Aaron closely.

“I dunno,” Aaron shook his head, looking away, knowing he couldn’t fall into the trap of letting his feelings for Robert do the decision making, because he knew what would win out then, as his feelings for Robert always seemed to. “I mean – I need to know what to do.”

“About us?” Robert questioned.

“And I need to know everything," Aaron told him decisively. 

“Everything?” Robert repeated, thoroughly confused now.

“What I mean, Robert, is, I can’t be with you if I don’t know I can trust you, that things actually have changed and…” His eyes shone in the soft light of the room. 

“Okay, okay,” Robert stopped him. “I get it. I just don’t know what you want me to do about it.”

“I dunno either,” Aaron admitted, shaking his head at himself. “This was a stupid idea, I’m sorry.”

“No, wait,” Robert stopped him suddenly as Aaron went to the door. “I can do it – I can be honest with you. Entirely.”

“Yeah?” Aaron asked, hesitantly turning back, still hovering next to the door. “So … there are more lies?”

“No,” Robert said and quickly shook his head. “Not lies, just – things I haven’t told you. But I’m willing… I mean, if we start over then… We both need to know everything, right? Everything we’re moving on from. And I’ll… let you know everything. And then you can decide, to stay, to give it a go, or walk away, forever, and I – I’ll let you go.”

“Okay,” Aaron eventually answered, taking a cautious step forward, away from the door, and away from the choice to give up or walk away, which he never could quite manage to permanently choose.

“Okay,” Robert said, a look in his eye that seemed to be something like fear or apprehension. After a moment, he sat on the edge of the hotel bed, half covered in papers, his phone and laptop, and motioned for Aaron to sit next to him, which he did, but leaving as much space between them as he could. Robert took a deep breath.

“Just tell me,” Aaron couldn’t help but say. “Whatever it is. By now, I – I just want to know.”

“You understand what happened with Katie right?” Robert first asked.

“Yeah,” Aaron asked, rubbing his forehead, adding to his generally antsy body language. “There’s not more is there?”

“No, no,” Robert said, reaching out to place a hand over Aaron’s, then changing his mind, not knowing if he could bear it if Aaron pulled away from him from something he told him. “It’s – that’s what happened. I pushed her, when we were arguing over – and she fell through. It was … instant. And I covered it up, which… What else could I do? But I shouldn’t have put it on you, any of it, I know that.” He looked at Aaron with a dark look in his eye and a furrowed brow from the emotion he was holding back.

“Okay,” Aaron said, nodding. “I believe that. I know you didn’t mean to…”

“But it all went too far,” Robert said. “I get that, and I’m not defending what I did.”

“I know, Robert,” Aaron said, rubbing his temple.

“Why I’m saying this is… There _were_ other things I shouldn’t have done and I know now they were wrong but – you know, at the time, it was all I thought was the answer. Like I had no choice if I could keep my life… Which is still selfish, I know.”

“What did you do, Robert?” Aaron asked, looking at him directly, steeling himself.

“There was someone else I planned to hurt,” Robert said, treading carefully. “I – I nearly did, when we were alone, one of those… losing my temper, wanting to keep control moments, which you get, right? It’s not right but it’s… only human, right?”

“Not exactly in the way you do it,” Aaron told him, worry etched on his furrowed brow for what Robert was trying to say to him.

“Well, I didn’t, I didn't hurt them, at all,” Robert said. “But then – I thought they were going to figure it out, about Katie and – well – I planned something else, to hurt – to… kill them.”

“Fuck, I knew it,” Aaron said, putting his head in his hand and exhaling a breath he didn't know he'd been holding in.

“But I didn’t.”

“Yeah well, like I said-“

“I know, that’s not something to be proud of,” Robert said. “But you know I can’t do that. We both know that. I’m _not_ capable of cold blooded murder.”

“I know,” Aaron said with a sigh. “But sometimes I wonder if you wish that you were, somehow.”

“Of course I don’t, Aaron,” Robert exclaimed, defensively raising his voice. “I wish I wasn’t like this. That none of this had happened and that I hadn’t hurt anyone.”

“Killed anyone, you mean,” Aaron chimed in bitterly.

“Yeah,” Robert said, unable to deny that. “But all I’ve wanted to do is undo it. Forget about it all.”

“Get away with it,” Aaron corrected him again.

“Yeah, that too,” Robert admitted. “But it was an accident, you know that. And that people finding out won’t ever bring her back.”

Aaron only nodded silently. It's not like he'd let people know his part in Katie's death either.

“So I just wanted to stop that. But what I considered doing was wrong,” Robert continued to try to explain.

“What did you do though?”

“I hired a hitman,” Robert finally admitted. “Then I stopped it, though,” Robert added while Aaron was silent, struck by his awful confession, from shock or fury. “I ran after him, and paid him in time to go away. _No one_ was hurt.”

“Who?” Aaron asked, his head in his hands and his voice clearly filled with a variety of confused emotions, of which his anger was, as always, the foremost. “ _Who did you plan to pay to get killed?_ ”

“Aaron,” Robert said with emotion, pleading him to still believe him now. “Nothing happened, really. And I never would do that. I know that now.”

“Most people already know that though,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “They don’t need to fucking hire a hitman to figure out they can’t go through with something like that. With taking a _life_.”

“I know, I know,” Robert admitted and now he put his head in his hands. “But I know now as well that that’s wrong. To even think like that. And that I never want to hurt you.”

“Who was it?” Aaron asked, fearing from his words he already knew the answer.

With a sigh, Robert sat back up straight, his hands on his knees, bracing himself. This could end it between them for good, he knew that. It could end it for him in the village, even. But it was the only way they could be able to move forward as well. It was worth that risk.

“It was Chas,” he confessed finally.

The silence then in the next moments was deafening, like that same explosion again, yet worse, because this actually hurt. Waiting for Aaron to process those words, the horrible confession of just how disgusting Robert could really be, and waiting for his response to that was excruciating.

“You were going to kill my mum,” Aaron repeated mechanically.

“It was a st- I regretted it, and I stopped it,” Robert pleaded with him.

“But-” Aaron shook his head, the tears filling in his eyes as he struggled to understand. “You were going to? Why?”

Robert took another deep breath to attempt to explain what happened. “It was when you were hurt. And we were in the woods when I … thought about it. We were fighting and-“

“I guess I should be glad you didn’t just push her off a cliff then?” Aaron asked bitterly.

“Then we found you and that was all that mattered,” Robert continued to plead with him. “But then – she wasn’t going to let go, and when she was mentioning Katie… I thought she was going to ruin everything.”

“It was all part of your covering up the affair and killing Katie,” Aaron said bluntly, still trying to understand.

“Yeah,” Robert said, unable to deny it, shaking his head with the mixed emotions he also felt clear in his face. This was the first time he’d talked about it at all, or even thought about it for more than a second before he pushed back the terrible things he’d done to a separate compartment in the back of his head, as he always did.

“And she would’ve died cuz of me,” Aaron said, bringing a hand to his tearful face as he realised what that would have meant – what could have happened.

“No,” Robert said decisively. “You know none of what’s happened is down to you.”

“Yeah cuz it’s you- and us-”

“Look,” Robert said, taking a breath as he kneeled before Aaron, on his knees to look up into his clouded, water filled eyes. “It was wrong but I didn’t go through with it and that was because of _you_. I couldn’t hurt you and you make me realise that, that I’m not capable of those things.”

“Get off me,” Aaron stopped him gruffly, as he shoved Robert back away from him, who landed on his hands on the floor, looking up at Aaron still. “I’m not here to show you what you’re not or are capable of. I’m not going to make you a better person, or fix you. That’s _not_ on me!”

“I know it isn’t,” Robert said emotionally. “But you make me want to change. You make me… the better me. I’m not saying tha- that I’m going to change for you or you want to change me or – or anything like that, but I know who I am when I’m with you. And I know who I’m not. That I don’t want to be this person that I’ve been trying to be. That’s _why_ you destroyed everything – because it wasn’t me and you made me realise it wasn’t what I wanted most, that I _couldn’t_ be that person. And that scared me.”

“Well, good for you,” Aaron said quietly, shaking his head bitterly. “You wanna know what I’ve got from being with you? To nearly lose everyone I care about, to be made into someone small and weak, to nearly die _myself_ , more than once – You make me become someone I _hate_.”

“I’m sorry,” was all Robert could say to that.

“And it was a mistake, and you didn’t mean it, I know,” Aaron said, getting up and quickly making his way to the door.

“Where are you going?” Robert asked.

“Away from you, as soon as I can, before I do something else you can regret,” Aaron answered hoarsely from the door. “You said you’d let me go, remember? That can’t come soon enough.”

Robert nodded quietly and watched him leave until his eyesight was too obscured by his tears to see anything - but everything he’d lost.


	5. Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does everything that Robert and Aaron have been through together, in the end, make them stronger?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the ending. Hopefully it was worth it. Thanks for reading, leaving kudos and commenting. :) xx

What could he do now? When he had nothing, when he had no one?

With the heaviest of sighs, Robert climbed back onto the messy bed, immediately with his whole body missing the other man that had been in this spot before (he didn’t know how much time had passed as he wallowed in his pathetic isolation of his own making). For another moment, he let out a sob into his hands, letting all of his exhaustion, his rage at himself, his loneliness, his frustration with this whole sorry situation, flow out of him, in ungraceful big tears and gulps.

When that had passed, when he was tired of letting his emotions take him over, he sat back up with a sigh. 

That wasn’t true. He had a life here again. Right now, only remnants of it remained, but if he could do it before… And now he already knew his family again.

Robert looked down at where he was. If it wasn’t for his Auntie Val, he’d have nowhere in the village even, whatever her reasons for that were. But if he learned anything from her, it was that you could get your family back no matter what you’d done. You could build something around you in place of the walls you’d had that had been crushed down to reveal your vulnerability… That and how to make a martini but this time he wouldn’t drown his sorrows with alcohol. 

He still had plans. Or a plan. All he could do was keep trying to be something better. After all, that’s what he had been doing for all his years away from here. Becoming something better. 

But then he came back and saw what he’d become wasn’t really better. Not at all. 

And the importance he’d put to it was just his desperation, to that image of being somehow someone different to who grew up here on a farm, and over the years away of wanting to be something more, to not be his father, what he had was nothing. It was his desperation to not be nothing, to never again end up with nothing and no one, to _be _nothing and no one.__

__In Aaron’s eyes, he had been someone, and that had been addictive. Before he even knew what was happening, he needed to see himself in his eyes as much as he could, and then he just needed him…_ _

__But no. He didn’t need Aaron to be someone._ _

__Though it was only because of him, of the love he still had for him, even after seeing the stark reality of the little cowardly child that truly lay behind his facade, pathetic and desperate for love and acceptance and for someone to tell him it was okay, he was okay, to lie to him. He couldn’t have known when he kissed him in the middle of nowhere that all he would get from Aaron was honesty; painfully honest emotions that felt like a stab to the heart when he looked at him and saw how much he could love and hate him, in equal parts, which was more than anyone had ever felt for him before._ _

__Robert could rebuild himself. Again. He could be the person Aaron saw in him, hoped he would be, and loved him for. But he couldn’t lie to himself that he wouldn’t still be doing that with a desperate hope that he could be enough for Aaron, that he could be worthy of that kind of unflinching, honest, frighteningly real love again._ _

__Even as Robert sat up still, with a hand holding onto his knee too tightly, collecting himself steadily, the lump grew in his throat to think that he had lost what mattered most for good. And that it was all his fault, that he hadn’t seen what was right in front of him until it was too late, that he’d wasted that chance (to be someone in a way that really counted, to somebody else) and worst of all, he’d wasted Aaron’s love, someone who he knew only deserved to be loved in the way he could love other people, including such selfish people as him, so completely._ _

__He’d been such a coward, to push him away, and to do so much worse to him, because of the debilitating fear of losing everything and being alone. Now what he was faced with was the fear that if he was going to be alone for the rest of his days, that was exactly what he deserved._ _

__But was it even an ‘if’ now?_ _

__Could he really stay here and face him, face everyone, face everything he’d done (and then have to really face himself) without him?_ _

__Honestly, he didn’t know and much of the sleepless night was spent wondering if he could bear to be so close to someone he loved so much knowing there was no longer any hope. If it was worth it to rebuild his life where he was already hated, even by some of his own family (and with Andy still so full of loathing for him and his constant lies, would Robert ever truly be allowed back into his family?), and surely now hated by Aaron too…_ _

__Would he want him gone now? For good?_ _

__Again Robert’s thoughts spiralled into despair, back into everything he’d lost and was still losing, of the ruins of his life that he’d have to walk away from. What was there to do but walk away from it? Every time he’d try to undo the things he’d done, he did something worse, until … until he was here with nothing._ _

__As a sudden rage took over him, he threw away the folders, papers, whatever trash that was over his bed, with an erasing motion shoved them all away, feeling an angry satisfaction to hear anything solid hit the ground, or the wall opposite him. It was all that he’d held onto, clung to for some reason to stay here still, but all that struck him now was the uselessness of that._ _

__With another heavy sigh, he slid back down to the floor to the side of the B &B bed, surrounded by the mess he’d made. The remnants of his life. _ _

__-_ _

__After a while, with slivers of dark light entering the room from behind him, only to remind him that he had no reason to care that a new day was starting, he numbly listened to noises of someone starting to move around, or getting up, he didn’t know. Someone in the hallway; maybe Eric, with unsurprisingly restless sleep._ _

__Soon, he realised that it wasn’t just aimless noise, having led to his door and to a maybe inevitable knock. Robert internally groaned as he got up, unrushed and expecting it was simply to tell him to leave today, as if he wasn’t already weighing up his options of staying in the village at all._ _

__“Wha-” Robert’s careless, mumbled greeting broke off to see the man who really stood there, tired and unsure of himself as he hovered for a second. Taking a step back, he motioned to the space he freed before him over the threshold, letting him in no matter what it was he’d come back for._ _

__“Expecting someone else?” Aaron finally asked him quietly from leaning back against the door for a couple of minutes, half watching Robert’s shiftless movements around the small room, which he noticed was messier than it had been and with a suitcase half pulled out from under the bed._ _

__“’Thought it might be Eric,” he replied with a shrug, clearing his throat as he stopped and faced Aaron, with a pained expression in his eyes. At least, with this, Robert knew that if this was so definitely over, he wouldn’t want to face him on a daily basis._ _

__“It’s 5am,” Aaron told him with a questionable look._ _

__“Is it?” Robert asked, not really caring._ _

__“A bit after,” Aaron murmured. Robert nodded. “I haven’t slept either,” Aaron said after a silent moment._ _

__“What have you been doing?” Robert asked, wondering if he’d been home at all._ _

__“Just walkin' around,” Aaron said, looking down at his feet, feeling the weight of the tension between them, of all that Robert wanted to know that he couldn't quite give him yet._ _

__Robert realised that he wasn’t angry, only having not already considered that from some assumption he was here to tell him to leave, or was as tiredly numb as he was. But it wasn’t that, he saw, as he looked at Aaron more closely._ _

__“I've been thinkin',” Aaron said, furrowing his eyebrows together, as if still in his thoughts really._ _

__“About us?” Robert asked, only to push him to say that maybe this wasn’t entirely over for him, with a glint of hope that he also instantly regretted letting exist.  
Aaron nodded, still looking around the room, anywhere but directly at him._ _

__“If you want me to go, I will,” Robert couldn’t help but say, unable to bear the silent waiting for Aaron to relight something inside him or break him down again. “Or I –I might anyway,” he said with a shrug. “If there’s nothing here for me.”_ _

__Aaron still only nodded._ _

__“’Might stop at Hotten for a bit,” Robert continued aimlessly. “And decide where to go from there.”_ _

__“I don’t… want you to go,” Aaron said finally, choosing his words carefully, as if trying to form the thoughts in his confused mind into something tangible._ _

__Now, Robert did silently wait for Aaron to continue, as he finally regarded him, thankfully free of hate or rage that Robert seemed to be used to between them, but what _was_ there was still clouded. _ _

__“What you did was fucked up,” Aaron said as he leant up to look up at the ceiling, tears forming in his eyes. He shook his head. “I should be done with you.”_ _

__“I know,” Robert said, taking a step forward, not denying what he’d done could’ve impaired their relationship for good._ _

__“I’m not forgiving you for that,” Aaron said, clearly, as he looked at him again. “And I’m not going to.”_ _

__Robert nodded._ _

__“And if you do anything like that again,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “To her, to Paddy, to me… to anyone…” He trailed off, letting the suggestion remain in the air._ _

__“I won’t,” Robert said. “You know I-“ Robert broke off. Why should Aaron know what he would or wouldn’t do? After all the things he had done, that certainly no one should expect from someone who loved them._ _

__Aaron was regarding him, shaking his head, hot tears clearer, a couple falling down his thick stubbled cheek. “Do you have any idea what that would’ve done to me?”_ _

__“That’s why I didn’t do it,” Robert said, weakly. “I meant it, that I wouldn’t do that to you.”_ _

__“You were going to,” Aaron said, as if stating a bitter fact._ _

__“No, I wasn’t,” Robert said defiantly, his voice hardening and raising above the low murmur they had been talking in. “It’s not an excuse but I didn’t think of the way it would affect you. But you made me think about that. And I knew I couldn’t do that to you. That was… what mattered most.”_ _

__Aaron shook his head, not knowing what to reply, whether to argue, whether to again remind him that of course there was no fucking excuse._ _

__“I don’t think,” Robert said with a shrug, helplessly. “It was all about… what to do to hold onto my life. Doing whatever that seemed necessary, out of fear, out of cowardice. Anything to not deal with the consequences, while still thinking I could keep avoiding that the next time. That – that’s not how I want to live anymore.”_ _

__“Then don’t,” Aaron said hoarsely._ _

__“I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t think about how what I did could hurt you,” Robert said honestly, his words as bare as he felt he had made himself to Aaron._ _

__“Do you think that’s what I want?” Aaron demanded, his voice raising, as he moved across the room now. He wiped his tears away as he looked away from Robert, shaking his head, as if at the nerve of him. “That I _care_ about an apology from you?”_ _

__“I’m just telling you how I feel,” Robert answered._ _

__“Cuz that’s still all that matters,” Aaron threw back at him bitterly._ _

__“No, it’s not,” Robert insisted, reaching out to Aaron. “I care about what you feel too. Really, I do. I just can’t bare you thinking that I set out to hurt you. It’s _not_ an excuse for anything I did, because I did hurt you. I just need you to know-“_ _

__“Just shut up,” Aaron cut him off, turning away with his hands over his head as he exhaled sharply, looking to the outside, through the one small window in the room._ _

__With a defeated sigh, Robert nodded and stepped back, looking away yet still watching him, listening to him, trying to get a feel for where he was now._ _

__“You didn’t ask me why I came back,” Aaron broke the silence finally, still turned away from him._ _

__“To tell me what an idiot I am?” Robert said._ _

__“I can do that any time.”_ _

__“I am though. For messing this up,” Robert said sadly. “Probably the best thing that’s happened to me.” He shook his head as his eyes began to burn._ _

__“Yeah?” Aaron asked, half turning to face him._ _

__“Yeah,” Robert breathed. “If it wasn’t for you… I’d still be pretending to be someone else – still be too lost to know what _not_ pretending even is any more. You know, I was only me around you. And – and that’s what I want now. Something real. With you.”_ _

__Quietly, Aaron listened to him, letting him speak, frustrating Robert more than ever with his silence now though. It felt like he’d been on trial and now he was waiting for the verdict, on his life._ _

__But Aaron closed the space between them, his eyes welled up as he looked Robert in the eye._ _

__“I didn’t come here to argue any of that,” he admitted. “What you told me... I – That’s never going to be okay. Same with a lot of other things - things that you did.”_ _

__“I know,” Robert breathed, only wanting to pull him closer and show him how much he regretted ever doing anything to hurt him._ _

__“But I believe you,” Aaron said, as if he knew how ridiculous that sounded, or would sound to anyone else. “That telling me that was to be honest with me.”_ _

__“No more lies, like it should have been before,” Robert whispered close to him._ _

__“And I think I trust you,” Aaron said, indeed surprised by his own words this time._ _

__“You think?” Robert asked, unable to not give a half smile at that._ _

__“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, furrowing his brow. That was all he had now but… he knew somehow it could be more for them, and in a swift motion he hooked his hands around the back of Robert’s neck, pulling him against him so their eyelines were locked together. “And I trust how I feel about you. That… I love you.”_ _

__Robert’s breath caught to finally hear those words from him again. Despite how he’d tried to get it from him at Home Farm, teasingly, at one point straddling him and pushing his arms down above his head and saying “Tell me you love me,” to which Aaron told him to shut up and, roughly pulling his arms free, he pulled Robert down on the bed, hungrily locking his lips against his._ _

__It was there, in those kisses, in the teasing, between them as they held each other in bed, faking ‘normal’, because the one thing that was normal with them, what was right, was how they loved each other._ _

__But he didn’t say it. Not after how Robert had made him suffer after Katie’s death, and then not from how he continued to put Chrissie first, how _his_ life always came first, no matter how much he loved him - and then when Aaron shot him down, only giving him hate and crushing Robert’s childish pleading for him to still be there for him, not because he deserved it, but because he still needed him._ _

__Then he was sure he would never hear those words again, and that was all his fault. The love Aaron had offered him once, to not choose someone else over him, to not treat what they had like meaningless sex that never counted – Robert had thrown it away, cruelly and callously._ _

__But now he had another chance. To love Aaron back like he should have all along._ _

__"I won't hurt you again," Robert tried to promise him._ _

__"Yes, you will," Aaron replied. "But so will I... Cuz people who love each other do that. But I believe you'll try not to, in ways that... you didn't before."_ _

__As sunshine shone onto them, he pulled Aaron to him with arms clasped around him tightly, never wanting to let him go again, as foolishly as he’d let him go before._ _

__“Robert,” Aaron breathed against him, stopping him for a moment._ _

__“What’s wrong?” Robert asked, searching his face before him intently, as Aaron eyed the small wrinkles that formed at the sides of his mouth when he smiled at him. Damn it, he’d missed that._ _

__Without a reply, Aaron brushed his lips against Robert’s softly, leaning up to reach him, as his hands dropped down his chest caressingly, and he watched the light on Robert’s face as he sighed, his eyes still closed for a moment after Aaron pulled away._ _

__His eyes opened lazily as Aaron placed his hands in his, only to watch him as he pulled him along with him as he backed into the bed, then down onto it with him._ _

__It was very nearly too small for them both really but they lay closely next to each other on it, Robert contently joining his fingers through Aaron’s, preserving the moment in his mind of being with him like this again, and without any rush any more, without caring who might know they were together. All that mattered was that they were together – through everything the still had each other. Even the crampedness of the bed didn’t enter into his mind, not like it had every night he’d spent her as he missed his normal oversized bed at Home Farm. He pressed Aaron’s hand to his mouth, smiling at him as he did so, bringing a reluctant chuckle from him._ _

__“What now?” Robert asked, not because he cared what happened beyond this moment, but because he could see that was what was playing on Aaron’s mind as he still held back, his feelings somehow still closed off from Robert, not out of anger, but cautiously._ _

__“I dunno,” Aaron sighed, shaking his head, but adjusting his place on the bed so that he was closer, leaning on his arm on the pillow, slightly above Robert. “You’re… staying?” He asked, recalling the suitcase and what he had said before._ _

__“Yes,” Robert answered immediately. “I want to be with you – that’s all that matters,” he spoke lowly as he leaned in, caressing a hand over Aaron’s stubbled cheek._ _

__“Yeah,” Aaron agreed, a smile playing on his lips._ _

__“No sneaking around, yeah?” Robert continued. “I don’t care what people think.”_ _

__“They’ll still hate you, y’know, Paddy and…” He trailed off as the smile disappeared from his face._ _

__“Hey,” Robert whispered, his fingers trailing through his thick, slightly curling hair as he made him look back at him. “It’s not going to be like that anymore. I promise.”_ _

__Aaron looked back into his eyes searchingly._ _

__“Really,” Robert insisted, drawing him closer, his hold on him tighter. “I love you.”_ _

__“No lies this time?”_ _

__“No.”_ _

__“Except we’ll still be lying to everyone else about-”_ _

__Robert stopped him with a shake of his head. “That’s not your secret. Because it wasn’t your fault. You know everything about me, okay?”_ _

__“This isn’t going to keep hurting people,” Aaron confessed his worry, as illogical as he knew it was. “It can’t-”_ _

__“I’ve hurt people,” Robert said matter-of-factly. “It was me. Not us. Not this. Aaron, there’s nothing wrong with what we have, it’s the only light in all of this darkness, why should we give that up? The one good thing to come of it all.”_ _

__“Robert,” Aaron interrupted him decisively. “You don’t have to convince me. I’m here, aren’t I? _I’m with you._ ”_ _

__“Yeah,” Robert smiled, tracing his finger over the shape of his lover’s face as he faced the window behind him, the fresh daylight falling onto him. “I just can’t let you go again. Not out of pure selfishness, like I have.”_ _

__Leaning over him, Aaron stopped him with his mouth a perfect fit over his, his chest breathing in a rhythm with his, like the quickening beats of their hearts - that, with an alleviation of the guard that seemed to cover Aaron’s, were closer than for such a long time. Especially with the removed fabrics, as freed limbs wrapped them into one another, without even a sliver of light coming between their tight embrace._ _

__The effect of every touch heightened, from the brushing of the hairs of their bodies together, to the electrifying bolt from hands caressing between them, slowly, as slowly as every movement and touch as they rediscovered every inch of each other. Every freckle, every scar, every piece of skin that when touched made the other man’s mouth open and back arch (so they knew where to press their lips onto even harder). If they had each other now for good, memorising all of that again was no longer necessary, not like how Aaron would lie at night smiling into the dark as he mentally retraced the countless freckles that decorated his secret lover’s body, but they still did it. To know the other man now like they had, to know they still did, to know they always could._ _

__All thought of whoever else lay behind these walls or flooring disappeared when they had each other, alternating over each other, like they had to to fit on the bed, which neither cared about, like neither cared about the level of noise they brought from the other, except to be as loud as to know the rising pleasure they brought, that they reached tightly around, against and inside of each other. From climbing to the final blinding ecstasy, their gasps and groans, their moaning each other’s names with repetition to treasure the feel of that back on their tongues (like they treasured the feel of everything else on their tongues), was unrestrained and free to be heard, carelessly._ _

__Where they were only came back to them as they came back down, still entangled in each other, wet against each other, their slowing breaths and happy laughs the only sounds now in the quiet of the morning._ _

__“I missed this,” Robert breathed against Aaron’s neck, hands still stroking familiarly over his warm, flushed skin._ _

__“I know,” Aaron said. “I did too.”_ _

__“So I’m right, yeah?” Robert joked, tracing his finger over Aaron’s bottom lip, which he knew he liked. “Too good to give up.”_ _

__“Hmm… You were wrong though about something else.”_ _

__“What?” Robert asked, eyebrows furrowed questioningly._ _

__“I don’t know everything,” Aaron pointed out softly, pushing Robert onto his back and leaning over him. “Not everything about you.”_ _

__“Everything that matters,” Robert said with a smile. He’d always been right that he was the only know he knew him._ _

__“I want to know everything,” Aaron replied still._ _

__“Like?” Robert asked with a grin, supposing that was what normal couples did, got to know each other, even the little things no one else cared about. “If you ask about my childhood dreams…”_ _

__“What, to have money and flash cars?” Aaron joked. “I mean like… where did you go, when you went away? What are you going to do now? Do you still think you’re straight – cuz really, _that_ did not feel very straight.”_ _

__Robert groaned exaggeratedly, still with a grin on his face as he looked up at Aaron and caressed his fingertips through his thick hair. “Fine, fine. What I’m doing now? Spending the morning with you, in this tiny bed, trying not to think about how many other people have shagged on it, like I’m doing right now.”_ _

__“That’s such a cop out,” Aaron said as Robert pulled him down against him into a warm kiss, as Aaron still obligingly brought his hand to the side of his face and hummed against his soft lips that pressed onto his, knowing that they would spend the morning together, and many more mornings, wrapped in each other like this._ _


End file.
